How to Perform a Computer Exorcism

Stop screaming and put the baseball bat down. Yes, your computer is possessed by evil cyber demons, but everything will be OK. You do not have to go all "Office Space" on your hard drive. You can exorcize the demons.

Gather some salt, water and oil − not for anointing or a ritualistic exorcism − just start a ball of pizza dough to rise. Then sit down at your computer and assess the situation. If you can get to the Windows control panel, you are lucky. If not, we will give you advice on how to fix that problem later in this article.

Most people who encounter the first level type of malware are just more annoyed than anything else. Perhaps you are getting pop-up ads, you are receiving Windows error alerts that you did not get before or your computer is running slower than usual. First thing first: run a full system scan using your antivirus or internet security software. If the scan does not produce a result and you still know something is going on, you can perform a simple system restore. Now ask yourself, "Should I really have watched that pre-DVD release movie from that suspicious-looking site last night?" Usually a simple restore can fix problems like this. It is like a do-over or a mulligan; it will restore your system to how it was before you downloaded the infected file.

Here is how to perform a system restore using Windows 7:

1. Click the Start button.
2. Search for "system restore."
3. Click "System Restore."
4. If you know when you may have downloaded the suspicious file or played that virus-infused game, click "Choose a different restore point," then click Next.
5. Find a restore point that existed before the computer became infected, click on that date and click Next.
6. Click "Scan for affected programs," review the list, verify the restore point and click Finish.

This works for most minor problems. If this worked for you, you are fortunate. You got lucky this time – the benign, bothersome poltergeist haunting your hard drive is gone. Please skip to the end of this article to read advice on how to ward off these kinds of problems in the future. If this did not fix your problem, please read on.

Perhaps your computer or laptop is haunted by something more malicious than a mildly annoying apparition; it is head-spinning demonically possessed. Perhaps you cannot log in to Windows and you have no idea how to exorcize the demons that have taken over your hard drive.

Here is how to initiate the system recovery process using Windows 7 if you cannot access the control panel:

1. Remove all discs, USB-connected memory drives and so on from your computer.
2. Power off your computer.
3. Power on your computer and immediately hold down the F8 key until the "advanced boot options" screen appears.
4. Use your arrow keys to highlight "repair your computer" and press Enter.
5. Select a keyboard layout and click Next.
6. On the "system recovery options" menu, click a tool to open it.

If this worked for you, congratulations you removed the demonic possession from your computer. If not, go check on your pizza dough, come back and take a deep breath. If your computer is possessed by a more powerful evil spirit and you are blocked from accessing the recovery options menu, you can access it using a Windows 7 installation disc or a system repair file stored on a disc or USB drive.

Here is how to restart you computer using a Windows 7 installation disc, USB flash drive or repair disc:

1. Insert the disc or flash drive that contains the installation files and power off your computer.
2. Power on your computer. When prompted press any key and follow the instructions.
3. On the "install windows" or "system recovery options" page choose your language and other preferences and click Next.
4. Click "repair your computer" and the Windows installation you want to repair and click Next.
5. Click a tool on the "system recovery options" menu and proceed.

If this worked for you, your computer barely escaped the fires of Mordor. Go roll your pizza dough out, put on some toppings, toss it into the oven and come back to your computer. Fatal errors can cause complete data loss. Worse yet, malicious hackers can break into your hard drive and steal private information such as images or SSNs. If you do not have powerful internet security software installed such as BitDefender, AVG or Kaspersky, install it now. Second, create a full disk image of your hard drive and back up your files to an external hard drive. Next, create a repair disc if you have not already. If you have children, create a user profile using parental control software for each of them.

By now, your pizza should be done. Select a beverage of your choice, enjoy your pizza and feel confident that the next time your computer is attacked by evil, malicious specters you are more than prepared to exorcize them.

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